I started this blog about two weeks ago, but I was too afraid to tell anyone – not my family, not my friends, not even strangers at the grocery store that I seem to be able to share oddly personal moments with. But yesterday I finally asked about a dozen of my friends and my beautiful sister to read and give me some feedback. I was instantly terrified. I am racked with self-doubt all the time. It’s a little bit crazy, but the second I say something or write an e-mail that discloses my emotional status, I immediately regret it sending it. What if I worded it badly? What if they think I’m crazy, or silly? What if they hate me for my weakness or idiosyncracies, of which I have more than a few?
Yesterday, I was like a little kid waiting for Santa, constantly running to see if there were any new developments under the Christmas tree since the last peek – only for me, it was checking my Blackberry every few minutes to see if anyone responded, as if everyone I sent a message to must have immediately read my blog and responded. And the most amazing thing happened: within an hour, I had a message from one of my dear friends, and she told me she loved it. Reading her short and beautifully sweet message, I knew I would “go public.” God used a few words to quell my crazy fears and prove that he has truly blessed me with amazing friends. Their love for my (and mine for them) is just a tiny speck of the love that we’ll know in heaven.
It has been an indescribable experience the last two days. Maybe somebody I invited to Mabbat really hates it but just won’t say it, but the people who responded already were so encouraging. Your words have alternately caused me to grin like a fool, cry, thank God for putting you in my life, and laugh with joy! You have spoken some of the most beautiful things I have ever heard, and I am still astonished at them. And to my sister: you are the most amazing of all. You have strength that I have always envied, both emotionally and physically, and your determination has always inspired me, no matter how much I picked on you!
I want to say, “I wish I had known I would get that kind of support when it seemed to hurt the worst,” but I realize two things immediately in saying that. First, I was too afraid to ask for help, so I didn’t. I’m not sure how much I’ve changed much in that regard. I struggle to speak the right words unless I’m writing them, so most of the time I still find it incredibly hard to say, “I’m not okay today.” I know without doubt that I could have had all the help and support that I needed, but I was in too dark and isolated a place to be able to ask for it. This was entirely a black hole of my own creation, and it was the worst kind of self-centeredness I have ever known. It’s also really tempting to fall into when I have a bad day.
Second, second-guessing and wishing to change the past are completely ineffective pastimes. My second-guessing is the exact psychosis that made me afraid to share this blog with anyone. We all find ourselves wanting to change some part of our past at some point, but we only have to read Ecclesiastes (or if you prefer, listen to the Byrds) to realize that every era in our lives has a purpose, some more obvious than others. Focusing too much on the past and its pain is a large part of the depression that kept me from moving forward at all. Not that I am running yet – I stumble a lot and daily – but I am learning how to let go of the past, a skill I know my husband will be ecstatically grateful for.
Weirdly, confidence has never been my strong point. I’m guessing that a lot of my friends will find that odd because I know a lot of them think it is a strength I possess. Good, bad or ugly, I often follow the fake-it-til-you-make-it maxim. But really, I’m a wimp at heart, and it makes me even more thankful to be surrounded by such amazing people.
2 thoughts on “To My Amazing Friends”
I don’t know if my first comment went through. I was writing and then my computer glitched and it went away. I was pretty much letting Spirit communicate through me so am not sure that what I write now will be the same, but it will be whatever I need to share with you. And to be honest, that is how I try to look at events in my life now.
There are so many things in my personality that I want to change and have been working on for years. I have come to realize that one of the most important things for me to remember is to be kind and forgiving to myself instead of beating up on myself because I am still working on talking slower, not interrupting people when they are talking, etc.
I have a strong faith in God and in angels. I know that for me if I am quiet and listen, my angels will help me be my real self, the core of who I really am without all the fears and anxieties that are emotions I have learned and that no longer serve any positive purpose for me.
Am I always successful, no, but I am getting better at listening and asking for their help and backing.
Anne, I do hope that the other reply went through, as it was dealing more with you and less with me. If it went through, then you were supposed to read it. If it didn’t, then it was written more for me and not something that you needed to read. This is a mundane example of my belief that things happen for a reason and often we will never know that reason and if we do discover it, often it will be much later. I try to learn from each experience and try to look at both positive and negative events in my life as learning opportunities which in the end make them all positive. Does that make any sense?
In case my other reply didn’t go through, I will try again here. Mainly I want to thank you for sharing your feelings. Now that you have shared and are writing down your fears, doubts, guilty feelings, etc. you will be able more easily to move on to a healing and growing process. You have done nothing wrong and you are not being punished by God.
Everything that has happened has contained a learning opportunity. May you learn sooner than later what you are meant to learn so that you can move past the negative and into the positive light. I imagine that you will always feel the loss but once you understand why, the healing process can begin.
By sharing, you have opened yourself to the healing process. Perhaps on many levels you weren’t ready to heal until now. Healing does not minimize the sadness of losing your babies (I know how much I loved Cathy and David as soon as I suspected I was pregnant and how devestated I would have felt if anything had happened as you have experienced four times). However, healing will help you turn the negative experiences into something where you can grow in understanding of why spiritually it happened.
I just find it hard to believe that God would allow us to suffer unless there is something positive that we are supposed to learn from the experience–something to help us be a better soul and as a way for us to help others as they work through their own demons.
Anne, once again I want to thank you for sharing and hope that you will continue to feel the freedom to share. I hope that what I’ve written will give you some comfort and help with perspective. God bless you. Sylvia Elsner
Thanks for your words of wisdom and comfort. I completely agree that there is a purpose for everything in our lives, and I’m growing more comfortable with the knowledge that we will sometimes never know what it is. And you’ve also hit the nail on the head that I wasn’t ready before now to share and grow past all of this. Thanks for sharing your journey, too. It’s really neat (I can’t think of a better word, but it seems ther should be one) to know you as a friend and not just as my friend’s mom. It has been both humbling and honoring to see comments like yours over the last few days!