Today is one of those days that makes me want to give up, to curl into a tiny little ball and disappear. What made today so awful? Nothing and everything. It was one of those days were nothing goes horribly awry, yet nothing goes like it should either. You wake up half an hour late; work is frenzied, but not overly productive; you absorb a hundred tiny things that aren’t really all that bad, but they still make you want to pull your hair out and run, screaming like a little girl all the way. Sound the retreat and hope for a better day tomorrow.
Perhaps the most terrifying thing about a day like today is that you know you will very likely repeat it tomorrow; it will be Groundhog Day or 50 First Dates without the romantic ending that breaks the interminable cycle. I wish had some magic pill, some wise words, some specific Bible verse that would end the malaise. Unfortunately, I know literally hundreds of verses that could clearly illuminate the bad logic that makes me dread days like today. The unfortunate part here is that I am rarely equipped to use them within the context of my own life. At any point today did I stop and think, “What Biblical words could resolve my anxiety?” Of course not, or I wouldn’t be writing about it here. I did think, “I can’t quit yet. In one more hour it will be… lunchtime, and I can take a break to eat… 4:00, and I probably won’t have to deal with any more customers… 6:00, and I can put on my padded shorts and bike away the funky mood.”
Just get through it, and tomorrow will be better because you didn’t give up today. It’s so easy to feel like a casualty and let depression hold you still. I think still is a far more appropriate word than down; down, for me, is generally set off by a distinct event, a date, a sense memory that floods my brain and body with all the horrible memories of loss. Still is the temptation of a day like today; if I just stop trying, it would be easier than this. Down has room for improvement; still is limbo.
Lest I sound too depressed, as a sign that I am “not dead yet” (read with your best Monty Python voice), “I’m feeling much better” and able to point out to myself what went RIGHT today: I did get all of my clothes on in the right order before leaving the house, including deodorant and coffee; I did not let the anti-virus program outsmart me on the new computer install; I did my weird happy dance when my impossible fax finally went through; I biked almost 7 miles over what could pass as cobblestone training terrain, AND I didn’t crash; I only thought once about how ridiculous I look in spandex and Oakley-style sunglasses; I didn’t go home and cry like I wanted to all day; I stayed with it, and it didn’t kill me. A year ago or a month ago, I wouldn’t have been able to find a single positive thing about a day like today. So tonight I’ll do my wierd little happy dance that tomorrow won’t kill me either, and it will be better than today because I am growing again. By the way, that photo is the face my cat makes when he’s had his own version of Monday – I know, it’s like we were separated at birth…