We just found out over the weekend that we’re pregnant again (hence the forced resting period).  This is our fifth pregnancy, and of course, the timing puts it right in our annual ritual of pregnancy loss.  The details, for those who are interested, are: we are almost 6 weeks, I have been taking progesterone and baby aspirin, and we do more blood work Thursday to track the HCG and progesterone levels.  So, by Thursday afternoon or Friday morning, we’ll know if this one is tracking as a healthy pregnancy or if we have trouble.  Please pray two things – first, I REALLY want to keep this baby, and second (and most importantly), I want to follow God wherever he is leading us.  If that turns out to be something other than what I want, I want to love him even more in spite of my loss.

I would also love not have a panic attack every time I have gas.  If you’ve been pregnant or spent any time with a pregnant person, you know that hormones change everything from your body’s shape to how it processes food.  Having never experienced a “normal” pregnancy, I find myself doing at least a mild version of panic attack with every little ache.  I have now become one of the sitcom women who is sure she’s in labor but turns out to have nothing but gas; only in my case, I’m sure something is wrong with the baby.  Also, having experienced the miscarriage symptom of all of the normal pregnancy symptoms suddenly stopping, I am extremely sensitive to not feeling nauseated all the time.  All of that being said, I trust that God is protecting this little one if he intends for it to be born on this earth.

Now begins the high wire act of balancing between faith and terror.  I know now that no matter what happens, God is still big enough to demand my love, and he’s loving enough to want a relationship with me.  Nothing else matters.  Most of the time.  Most of the time my desire to have a child does not overshadow God in my life – until I panic.  Peter’s got nothing on me; I’m pretty sure he walked more than two steps before he started sinking.  In spite of the knowledge, this time in both my head AND my heart, that God is in control, I can’t help but feel the terror of loss.  It’s a horrible, nameless feeling when you are powerless to stop the chain of events that you know will end in disaster.  I’d like to think I will relax even more after we get Thursday’s test results, but I also know I’m human, and unbelief comes with the territory.