These days, it’s a little hard to breathe, as if the air all around me is thick like soup. I do live in Alabama, so there’s a pretty good chance it’s humid, which means the air is actually thicker and harder to breathe. But there’s no difference in the air in Alabama this week from last week except that I am charging everything around me with tiny particles of nervous energy.
The ultrasound Wednesday looked good, so I have another one Friday morning to determine the exact timing of our egg retrieval. That will happen either Sunday or Monday, and we’ll know for sure Friday after the ultrasound. It’s a relief to think that I have two days or less left of three shots a day, even though we go right back to another daily injection after retrieval. That one may hurt a little more, but it will be easier for me since my husband will have to administer it. It’s a relief to know that in less than a week, we’ll be done with the “hard part” of IVF, and we’ll just be waiting to know if we have a positive pregnancy test or not.
It’s terrifying to know that we’ll spend two weeks to a month in limbo, first waiting for pregnancy test results, and then likely waiting to see if we miscarry early or not. The entire month of April will be waiting; the whole month will be thick with the nervous energy of anticipation and worry and hope.
I occasionally troll message boards to compare situations and reactions with larger groups of women in different circumstances and from varying backgrounds and belief systems. Most of them talk about the tension of the two-week wait (TWW for those who aren’t savvy with IVF message board shorthand). The TWW is discussed as the most agonizing period of IVF because you can’t do anything but wait to see if it worked. Our TWW will be a long two weeks, I’m sure, but it’s nothing compared to the TWW that comes after. Our TWW agony will not be waiting for a positive test result (I’d be surprised if we didn’t get pregnant); it will be waiting another two weeks to see if the hcg levels double like they should – to see if we will actually have a baby with a heartbeat that will stick around longer than two weeks.
I am mentally in a good head space, and spiritually I am standing firm on my rock and trusting the outcome of both TWWs to God. I am as sane as anyone in this situation can be, but I still have moments when it’s hard to breathe such thick air.