You should definitely have read the title in your best Monty Python British accent.  I have finally returned to the keyboard a little more each week, so the plan is to get back to some modicum of regularity in blogging over the next few months.  Regular writing of any kind seems to be just as good as therapy for me, and the last two years have been too quiet for my soul.  A lot has been happening in those two years – chasing a toddler, serving in a bigger capacity as a volunteer, and still trying to juggle work, home, play, and everything else.  All of that has left me just trying to keep up.  If you’ve ever had a day when you finally went to bed and think, “Did I brush my teeth?  No?  I’m too tired to get up and do that now.  But, you know what?  Nobody died today on my watch.  It was a good day.”

If you’re a parent, whether you have one child or a dozen, you have had this day.  You have been happy that nobody died, and you’re not quite dead yet yourself – in fact, you’re feeling much better now that the house is quiet and you have a few hours to rest before you start the whole mess ‘o crazy over again.  I found myself with too many survival-mode days for a while, but little at a time, my big stress loads have been lightening, and the words are going to need a place to go.  Hello, blog!

And sorry, dear reader, if there are indeed any of you left from several years ago or if you are stumbling here accidentally from my FB page; I will probably keep a pretty loose focus for a few months as I sort out what direction to go.  My blog subtitle still holds because, as much as many people unfamiliar with this type of loss may not understand, dealing with the aftermath of miscarriage is still a pretty large hurdle in spite of having a child.  I have said before, and I still firmly believe, that a living child does not replace the child (in my case, children) that you lost.  Engelberta’s nickname holds true, and she is a bright light in my life, but I cannot ask her to eclipse the pain of loss in my life; she often does, but her only responsibilities at this point are to be a child and not pee on the couch.

So, dealing with the continued grief will find its way here, but I have also found myself in a holding pattern with several projects that I’d like to continue, especially the October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Day and women’s ministry.  Much has been made of the “Mommy Wars” lately, and I think women in general could stand to build each other up instead of compare ourselves with imagined, impossible standards.  Maybe I’m still just working out my own issues in blog form as I have in the past, or maybe those niggling ideas will actual take on a more distinct form.  At any rate, I’m not dead yet, and here’s a photo of Engelberta doing her best “I’m not dead yet” while we tried to take pictures at the beach, or as I like to call it, “When Good Photo Shoots Go Bad.”


One thought on “I’m Not Dead Yet…

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