I haven’t posted anything in a little over a week. It’s been a crazy week, and I needed to drop out for a while and process; a self-imposed writer’s block (more like complete thought avoidance measures). Today is exactly one month from the actual miscarriage, and six weeks from the day we found out we were pregnant. Of the two weeks I was pregnant this time, one week was good and full of morning sickness and happy thoughts, the other was spent waiting for the inevitable. The last month felt like it was a year long.
To recap the last week alone: my niece was born last Tuesday, Wednesday I hit and killed a dog with my car (that’ll be another post), Thursday I shot pictures of my honorary nephew and his beautiful mom as well as my niece coming home for the first time, Friday I picked up a cow with my mom (we each got half, and I now have about 200 pounds of beef in my freezer – yum), the weekend was full of more baby time, Monday we had to take our very sick cat to the vet where she will be until at least Friday afternoon with possible kidney failure, and the rest of the week I have battled the stomach bug. The icing on the cake is that the next few weeks will be among the hardest for me in dealing with the miscarriage.
Believe it or not, the first few weeks are “easy” compared to what the next several weeks will entail. I’m not sure why it is so, but I am apparently not alone: several great sources of information about grief and miscarriage point out that it can often be harder to deal with the loss around six weeks to six months afterwards. My theory is the first few weeks are just survival, and then you get back to the daily routine over the next few weeks. At some point you start to feel a little normal, and then it hits you that you shouldn’t feel normal at all, raising all new feelings of loss and guilt, etc. To me, the especially difficult part of pregnancy loss is marking the milestones you’re missing. By this week, we should have heard a heartbeat and seen a distinct baby on the ultrasound; another few weeks, and we’d be entering the second trimester. Seeing my husband hold my niece makes my heart ache that much more with the desire to have our own baby for him to hold. It’s so hard not to want that when you can see it right in front of you.
It is beautiful to watch my niece and her parents: their transformation from a regular couple into doting parents overnight is amazing, and I pray they keep up the good work for the rest of their lives. I hope to be similarly amazing some day. In the meantime, here are a few of my favorite pictures from the last week: