I have been trying to process the last week, but my brain, unlike my body, seems unable to completely grasp what happened. I’ve mostly just been numb, or maybe intentionally blank, because it is just too hard to think about yet another loss, especially so close to the last one. I suppose the positive thing to consider is that we’ve never gotten pregnant so quickly; this was actually the first cycle after the last miscarriage. Maybe that’s proof positive that the baby aspirin/folate is working. On the other hand, it’s incredibly hard to deal with the loss of a pregnancy less than two months after another loss. Whatever progress I had made through the grief process was just obliterated.
I was finally starting to feel a little bit normal – less moody, less depressed, less angry – and now it’s starting all over again. I don’t enjoy being an emotional wreck, and I know my husband isn’t a big fan of the mood swings and inexplicable outbursts of anger and/or frustration. Now I feel like I’m starting a marathon with a five mile penalty and enough weight to anchor a cruise ship. I know I have to keep running the race, but I am just so tired of starting over. I am so tired of discovering some new reason to hope for a different outcome only to have it dashed to pieces when all of my hormone levels start dropping.
I am so tired of the inexplicable waste of life. With all of the unwanted pregnancies in the world, with all of those unwanted pregnancies that end in abortion, it seems that God should have enough “angel babies” without the people who want children having to make more of them. It’s hard to see any point in the continued loss; why even allow the pregnancy if we’re never going to carry one to term? Why allow so many losses if we are ever going to carry to term? As directive signs from God go, this is one hell of a mess. Are we to interpret constant loss as a sign to stop trying to have our own children and either adopt or find some ministry to be a part of instead? Are we to interpret the possible medical factors as a sign to try again since we might be able to correct the problem? Although God does sometimes use our circumstances to speak to us, I’m pretty sure there is no such sign here – just a mile marker on the race course from which to measure the distance already run and to affirm that the race is not yet completed.